Monday, June 08, 2009
I know what I want to achieve, and yet, I'm having a hard time mustering up the motivation to get there. Sometimes, my mind's eye will play back all that I used to be, and my body has yet to catch on to the fact that I'm not that anymore. I'm different. I'm doing it, but it sometimes seems like there's no heart behind it. I am more or less going through all the motions of getting my fitness back; which, yes, will yield results in the end, but when there's no heart there... the hunger just isn't there. The feeling of satisfaction isn't as sweet.
I went for a run this morning. It went as excellent as it should have. I even squeezed in an extra burst at the very end, which made me happy to see that I could do it. It's slowly coming back. I guess when I was 180, progress was easily marked. When I was losing five pounds a week, and seeing significant progress in my clothing sizes, it was easy to get super excited about it. Right now, it's just something I know I must do, and so I do it. I know my heart will get back in it when I go over that first finish line for the season. That vigorous hunger will be back, and I so cannot wait for it. But right now, fitness is on my to do list, and I check it off as I do with most other things in my routine. I suppose just having Gavin in my life, and having something so major become so much more important than myself, it takes the focus away from my running and makes it seem like background static.
The volume goes up. The sweat builds. The breathing turns to a pant. The feet hit the ground with heavy thuds. Arms become muscular as they push the wheels in front of them. She wonders why she is doing this... how come she feels satisfied with how she is looking, but yet, knows that she needs to continue to beat herself into shape. For who? For what? For the simple reason that she can. She can, and she will.
I Can, and I Will [ICIW].
It'll come back. The more check marks I make, the first race I complete, the first real challenge that I overcome (like, running in miles instead of minutes), it'll be worth it, and it'll be back. This will become meditative and fun again. Right now, it's work. It will always be work. But it won't be slavish work.
Posted at 09:11 pm by Candy-Apple
Monday, June 01, 2009
Monday: Spaghetti and Meat Sauce
Tuesday: Cranberry Pork Chops with Cornbread Stuffing
Wednesday: Chicken Curry with Spinach
Thursday: Irish Stew with Biscuits
Friday: French Dip Sandwiches with Au Jus
Posted at 03:54 pm by Candy-Apple
Here we are again! It's time to get my groove on and drop some poundage. I'm going to get everything back in gear and start running again. I've got a race calendar:
VESTCOR BRIDGES 5K (NIGHT RACE)
AUGUST 7 - 8
TOUR DE PAIN (4 MILE BEACH RUN 8/7 P.M., 5K 8/8 A.M., 1 MILE 8/8 P.M.)
SUMMER BEACH RUN 5K (NIGHT RACE)
DISNEY'S EVEREST 5K, OBSTACLE COURSE (NIGHT RACE)
MARINE CORPS 1/2 MARATHON AND 5K
RITA AT THE TOWN CENTER 5K - FAST AND VERY FLAT!
DISNEY RACE FOR TASTE 10K (NOT SURE IF I'LL DO THIS ONE - WANT TO, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY IN OCTOBER)
TOWER OF TERROR 13K
EVERGREEN PUMPKIN RUN 5K AND 10 MILE (GOES THROUGH A CEMETERY!)
NATIVE SUN 10K (A MUST!)
NOVEMBER 26 - THANKSGIVING DAY
OUTBACK DISTANCE CLASSIC (ANOTHER MUST... TRADITION!! RACE EARLY MORNING, PIG OUT MIDDAY)
FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS 5K
DECEMBER 31 - GAVIN'S BIRTHDAY
VYSTAR GATOR BOWL 5K (DOUBT I'LL DO THIS ONE, SEEING HOW IT'S HIS
BIRTHDAY BUT IT'S A MIDDAY RACE AND GOES ON THE PARADE ROUTE DOWNTOWN.
THERESA AND I DID IT YEAR BEFORE LAST.)
These are the races I want to set out and do this year. I'm going to start training tonight to gear up for the races in the fall season. There's a 10k, a 13k and possibly a half marathon in there somewheres. It's ambitious, I know, but I have to set high goals to give me good reasons to stick to it. Doing it for myself never sticks. But if I do it for training, then I'll complete it. I'm 140 pounds right now. I hope this season, I can drop some of those pounds, and put up some of my best numbers ever. I'm going to try and keep track of my weight loss, running progress, motivation, recipes, and just general stuff here. Just like the good ole' days. :-D
Posted at 09:46 am by Candy-Apple
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I've got to get my butt back in the gym and eating right. French fries are not a food group. I stopped going to the grocery store and started utilizing convenience foods. Not cool.
Even if I only go for half an hour on the treadmill in the evenings, I still need to get in there and get something done. I've officially put on 20 pounds. I'm on the very high end of normal. I'm not saying lose weight, but I'm saying stop this five pounds in two weeks nonsense. I've got three months to go, and should only top out at another 6-10 pounds.
I know what I have to do. I just need to stop the excuses and get in there and do it. Stop using this pregnancy as an excuse, put the skids on junk eating, and get back to being active. These past two weeks, I've started 'feeling' bad and out of shape. I know it's my body craving a salad and veggies. I know it's because I'm drinking more ginger ale than water. I know it's because I let it go, and I need to get back to doing what I do before I deliver and am left with 35+ pounds to lose and no will power or muscle strength left. I've got sessions at the hit center. I need to use them and stop cancelling on my trainer (twice now). I need to stop utilizing "not enough time" as an excuse and swing by the gym at night on the way home. Even a little is better than nothing. I can certainly lift a bit and get some walking done, perhaps a jog if I'm feeling spiffy enough.
Can I just say that I miss pushing my body to its limits? Being completely out of breath, wanting to puke, red faced, but accomplished. I miss that. I can't wait to work my way back to that. But with this little one in there, I can't push that hard. His heart beats twice as fast as mine does. But once he is born, I can ease my way back into training again and losing weight. I want to race again. I want to have challenges to look forward to again. And I want to get in shape in time for the second baby, if that is in our future. The plan was always if we were going to have children, then we were going to have at least two, and we wanted them at least two years apart. I can't completely wreck my body and not have enough time to get it back in shape to handle life with a toddler and a second pregnancy.
I hopped on the scale today and it scared me. I'm going to get this under control. I've got to get into the grocery store and buy good-for-me foods and begin working out again.
No excuses. Being pregnant does not equal a license to get fat. Not good for me, not good for Gavin.
Phew. There. I said it. It's out there. Now I have to follow through.
Posted at 09:00 am by Candy-Apple
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Horrible wife. That's me right now. And it's a great way to describe it, depending on who you happen to talk to about it. This was taken out of context from an email simply because I can't muster the heart to make it into a real blog post:
"...Night went okay. I was
really tired. Matt was really upset/depressed about something. He had a very
brief and vague vent session with me, about being jealous how life just really
worked out for Garrett (his best friend), and how some things about Matt are
making him upset that he is who he is. He was really vague about the whole
thing. Wanting to talk about it, not wanting to be so vulnerable, not wanting
to talk about it. I know what itís boiling down to, Jess. And it breaks my
heart that itís all my fault. And yet stirs me to anger at the same
Heís not getting
And I donít want to do
anything about it. Heís been sweet for the most part (aside from STILL having
no idea whatís going on with me or this pregnancy from having not read anything
about it), but heís been lovey dovey for the past few weeks, but heís still not
getting it but once every other weekend. I just donít have the want to. I try
to force it, and it happens from time to time, but Iím sitting there the whole
time thinking about everything else under the sun.
He pointed out his lack
of luckiness in front of my parents (read: AWKWARD for me!), and my mom was all
ďjust because youíre pregnant doesnít me you donít put outĒ or something along
those lines. Iím flushing red just thinking about it. I want to be there for
him. But I also want to be there for me, too. I know from experience that
being the only one interested makes for a very not-fun night.
I donít know how to fix
Posted at 09:07 am by Candy-Apple